You matter. Yes, I am talking to you. You serve a vital purpose in this life. Don’t lose sight of your value during this struggle.
Look, I have been in some spaces where the words above were no where to be found. A space where my only thought was “What if I just disappeared off the face of the earth? No One would probably miss me.” A space where I felt I was better off dead. A space where this life seemed a bit too much. So when I say, I know how one gets there… I truly do know. However, I also know there is hope.
“There is hope.”
I had my first, memorable moment with God as I contemplated suicide in my teens. I felt worthless, like no one wanted me around. I felt like a burden, not a person of substance. I remember sitting in my little space, thinking of how I could go through with it, and hearing God’s voice clear. He spoke to my purpose, my value, and the impact my premature death would have on those I loved.
“I experienced God going to battle on my behalf.”
In the same night, I heard another voice. A voice of darkness spoke, confirming me in my decision to end it all. That voice reminded me of my many failures, how my own father did not love, how my family was tired of me… none of these were true. They were derived from ungodly spaces. Yet, I was unable to understand that at the time. Then, I experienced a glimpse of God going to battle on my behalf. Now, that night would not be last time I contemplated suicide, but it was certainly the night God became more than just words in a good book. That night God became real to me. That night I saw that God wanted to communicate with me. That night I learned God has a purpose for me. That night I learned how to listen for God’s voice.
Your mental well-being is not a laughing matter. It is not a time to slap on diagnostic labels as a way of joking with your friends. See, another lesson I learned that night was about how satan likes to wait until you are in a low spot and send in his minions- doubt, unworthiness, fear, failure,- to suck the life out of you. This showed me that suicide is not a “sin,” but it is what happens when the noise of our lives drowns out our inability to hear from God. It is a disconnect, not an act. It is the result of a mind, sick and coping with the battles of life.
This world can be rough and lonely. I get it. However, it is not worth you ending your life prematurely. Nothing is worth you taking your own life. It took a long time for me to get to this point to say that NOTHING IS WORTH ME TAKING MY OWN LIFE. The thoughts of unworthiness, of abandonment, or feeling unloved, those are not of God. You are loved. You matter. I need you to survive. This world needs your voice, your presents, your light, your humor, your love, and your wisdom.
For those who have never gotten to the point of contemplating suicide, be advised that it can come on subtle. Therefore, you must know what you are dealing with. Seek help. Seek professional help. I did not, so it made my journey to healing a little longer. I would not recommend that for anyone.
Perhaps you know someone battling depression. Never be afraid to ask about suicidal thoughts and ideations. Check in on your friends. It is easy to suffer in silence, especially as women. We talk about everything else, but how we really feel. It is time to change that. Be intentional about your interactions with each other. Reach out for help when you need it. Never suffer in silence.